April 27, 2009

And for being dumb

world, so i thought about it again. what have i actually achieved/accomplished in the past one year and a little four months? planned to jot down a list of interesting ones, but i just cant think of any thing i did that i'm proud of.

first picture says it all, i want(to know) you so bad. but.... how?
i went to school today, with all my tutorials undone as usual. went on to econs tutorial, lyndon's our new econs tutor and i hope to impress him by performing better for econs the next time round, but how's it gonna happen when i'm the only one who did not attempt any questions before class today. it's been a year and four months, and i clearly remember that i've only handed up one fucking set of tutorial, done by myself for math, yes. and i very much detest math now, lectures and tutorials since vectors are fucking annoying and as expected, i have no knowledge about vectors and complex shit at all, i need so much help for math and i really dont like it when others tell me not to worry for math, the fact is that i'm not good at it at all and i've stop doing math since bt1, and that was how long ago? did i ever do chem tutorial by myself? well put it this way, did i even attempt chem at all? this year, we've gotten chongster as our chem tutor and he's really good. i mean he really helped the class and we(excluding me) improved so so so much, kudos to him and of course because the rest put in effort as well. shame on me for getting U again and again, i mean that's my one and only grade since i entered sajc, i have no will and motivation to do well. i dont want to disappoint chongster and i wanna cross U grade too, it's fucking embarrassing but i know it's impossible for me. my friends tried to teach but i'm just a dumbass and nothing will stay in my head - and i dont fucking revise. my bad. i know. i know what i'm suppose and what i need to do, but i just wont. i just....wont.

last week, i tried to start doing my tutorials at least, but i didnt try hard enough. i stopped after two days, and i'm back to sleeping in class, spending my time eating and on the computer, or just do nothing and let the world pass by - my favorite thing to do. look, till now, i'm quite sure i'm the only one who still leave my work completely empty, completely clean and that's pretty shitty. and to add on, i skipped a lecture and a tutorial today and dismissed myself early from school to....? nowhere. hate myself for that, why cant i just be more determined to do what i want. didnt i told myself to go watch the match? so where did i go in the end? then again, i'm so not grateful to weewong, she's so nice to us and i fucking did this to her, i really deserve a slap from her. two slaps.

i swear i dont study at all, i dont have to fake or to lie any shit about it and i'm not proud of it a single bit. how i wish i can actually clock myself and you know, do what the rest are doing - study at home/study in school/STUDY!!! but fuck no. everyone's doing so; all my friends, class, school, people who are sane and will do well, well i still believe that if some effort is put in, you'll see results. i guess the only time, the only fucking time i did studied was during promos and thirty five rank points was all i'm capable of. and i fucking wasted my whole of j1 and the past four months doing nothing. NOTHING.

when the fuck will i start studying, i dont know. everyone's telling me to do so, i know you people are all worried about me, i dont know how to react because i know i have to and just fuck myself that i'm so not doing any shit. fucking disappoint everyone who shows me concern and are expecting me to do well at the end of the day, i dont know but i think you guys can drop the idea that i'm gonna do well, i dont want you all to pin high hopes on me and then when it turns out the other way, you guys are really gonna be sad and i dont want it to happen. never mind about me since i'm just a failure.
k this my shit. you know i really want to study in school, with my friends, as a class, or just a group of friends blah. the o level days - still reminiscing those days when studying wasnt that boring, studying was so fun with wendytey, murali, ong, and of course my fellow beeones and friends around, it was fun. now, studying is so shitass boring and i cant study with my friends now please, we dont study the same way and it's so different, i dont know how to put it in words, but it's just this different kind of feeling, and lol by myself? even worse and i totally lose interest in doing anything especially related to studies. fucking waste my life away, i mean i can just sit there and watch you study and me doing nothing. holy crap.

i dont need anymore words telling me to study and shit, i know i got to. just, hey i really need some actions. talk is cheap, i always say that. all my friends are studying and me????? no no no, it's me. i'm fucking at fault. study, yes everyone should fucking study. ZN PLEASE START STUDYING!!!!! YOU'RE GONNA SMELL YOUR OWN BUTT AND EAT YOUR OWN POOOOO IF YOU STILL GONNA FUCKING WASTE YOUR LIFE LIKE THAT.

then again, how am i suppose to start? my brain is totally empty like er deflated balloon. OH FUCK I SHOULD GET SOMEONE TO STAB ME RIGHT AT MY CHEST, I DONT HAVE H1 ANYMORE, WHAT OTHER EXCUSES AM I GONNA COOK UP THIS TIME ROUND?
k zn, just. start. by. doing. your. homework.
but, i've not done any homework since....
oh fuck i should really stop it.

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