September 30, 2011

hi

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i'm still very much alive.

sorry for the lack of updates, i cant seem to get back on track on blogging. and i update way too much on twitter, i think i'm starting to annoy myself very much. i dont like how people think that they can know me, or my life story merely by reading my posts/tweets or even worse, by just looking through my photos. sorry but my life is so much more than this, there is a difference between public and personal life, and i very much know about my own life more than any one of you, fyi. october is just round the corner, in a few hours actually - which means i'm leaving my work place soon, another school term is starting all over again soon, and also, sean's departure to australia for his army training is approaching too. (oh and not forget halloween!) also, i finally registered myself as a candidate at bbdc. yes i'm gonna take up driving! i know i'm ambitious but i really want to try getting a license by the end of this year or maybe by january next year. i'm hoping i could drive sean to his camp at least once before he ord next year, haha ikr what kind of motivation manz, but we'll see..

lately, i'm been thinking a lot about life. i mean it's nothing unusual for me, i do this pretty often if you know me in person or perhaps read my blog since my junior college days. but because working at nhb (despite times that i wouldnt consider favorable, you shouldve seen how i curse and swear so fucking a lot everyday on twitter due to annoying colleagues) it is really difficult to narrow down my experience at nhb but i must say, i learnt so much from my older colleagues, they definitely have way more life experiences than myself. i love hearing their life stories even though i dont response much, but deep down it got me thinking a lot. today, i attended another farewell session, another lady from the department i'm working at is leaving. we chatted about the past (how they started working and knowing each other thirty odd years ago, how the others joined them becoming their colleagues, their younger days when they were twenty odds having really enjoyable and fun working environment and so on) i wonder if i would reminisce this way in future too. "you never know what life will throw at you", shirley, my manager spoke to me today, i mean it's true who knows she might get sacked one day or go onto a new journey - we just have to keep picking up and learn on the way. i guess she wants me to embrace the fact, and find joy in every different paths in life. which i think i did pretty well so far, second year into my poly education, well i still have a long way more to go..

i think being alive is an amazing thing. i used to dread life a lot, listen to emo and screamo songs, wanna slit my wrist lolwtf (isnt that what all emo kids used to do hahahaha) oh well, the phases of life. maybe i should go a little further back to times when we were still young and naive haha. remember the times where we start to learn how to trust and how to have faith in people and how we learn to adapt to changing environments? remember the times where we start to learn to explore the world? and then when we enter primary school (ok, for my case), we start to initiate and plan our own activities w our friends etc; our parents/guardians set goals and values and that's how we find out that we should discover life on our own terms. my primary school days were gold. i can remember so many shitz from then. then we grew into the next phase of life, we start to compare ourselves to others, we start to question our self worth, it started from just a small group - then it grew eventually to outside your circle of friends. i think it happened somewhere before puberty and throughout our transition years as adolescences. yet into another phase of life, i say teenagers. times where we rebelled, and we just wanna go against everyone's ideas - especially our educators and our parents. we just find it so hard to appease to anyone, except ourselves, and probably our friends. been there done that. grew out of it. just that inferiority complex still exists, but in a different form. days where i got sick in my mind where all i cared was to fit in and to be skinny. i needed attention. then i realize my life is so much more than just being cautious on my fucking weight, and i moved on. i remembered the days where i was seventeen, eighteen -i questioned myself on what am i going to do in future, why am i doing this why am i doing that? who the fuck i am? why am i here and not in uk/usa (hahahaha yes that's so me) and especially this one, why the fuck am i studying? (haha) we were all confused who we were, and we wanna do things we like and fuck the rest. fuck what everyone think. i mean as a child, we were taught to work hard, study, etc. it's true. it's a good habit to have but to abide it or not is entirely up to us. along the way, we experienced failed friendships. we learnt about how people come and go, who gives a fuck and who dont. trust issues. inferiority surfaces yet again. decisions after decisions. accomplishments and failures we face..... nobody said it was easy.

i'm glad that my parents are not so strict w me, and i can do whatever i want as long as i'm not endangering my life. in fact actually, as long as i'm happy. i hate to conform to views and i'm thankful i wasnt pushed to any of that kind of shit at that point of time when i was growing up. i know my limits anyway. so like i said, i had my share of fun. for me, i thought i was unique and i could do so much more than just books, books, and books. i was so inspired by all the bands i listened to, all the female fronted shit, i wanted to sing and go out there, make a name. and i was so excited at the point of time when i joined a band, it was a dream come true. then again, it was a part of me growing up as i searched for my true identity. life goes on, and as i had fun along the way, i met someone who changed my life completely. here i'm talking about growing into yet another stage of life - young adulthood. love - for your friends, your family, and other r/s. the ability to love and the kind of intimacy shared. who i wanna date etc settle down or not... and as for me, i chose to commit in a relationship. i dont know how long am i going to stay stagnant at this stage, but i'm truly thankful i'm alive, learning bit by bit along w my love, and as well as documenting this down.

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fact: i think my post is getting lengthy so i figured i should throw a combined photo of my cutesy catboyz and myself, no doubt he's my favorite boy.

right now, i just want to live this stage to the fullest, the way i want it. the way i want to tell the world in future. i want to learn and experience as much as i can, also applies to the future as we enter the next stage - adulthood, middle age (think providing for our kids, helping the next generation) and eventually our aging years. by then i would be probably saying, "oh how i wish i was a kid again" hahaha before we touch on material and other responsibilities of the adult, i think we all see a pattern. life cycle. we have new crisis to face, and it's just another set of life's challenges.

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