August 15, 2012

"Before you decide to judge, make sure you are not one of them."

what's up lovelies. past few days had been a rollercoaster ride for me, tears were my bestfriend for at least two nights. everything happened was not part of my expectations, well not at all especially from people close to heart. not that i've not already realised, but it's so hard to trust people nowadays. people can be so two-faced and so pretentious - people who seems to appear to be willing to take a shot for you, might end up being the one pulling the trigger. note that i'm not pinpointing anyone, just talking about people we encounter in life, in general. i guessed i have been misled by the two-faced reality, i always thought that there are genuine people caring for you but i guessed i'm too naive. i hate disappointments, i'm afraid of it because when it comes to dealing w it, i'm always not objective enough or i'm at the losing end. i dont like to lose hopes for the good things or even people i'd always believed in.

we people are amazing creatures dont you think? we can manipulate situations, we can pretend to be nice in front of someone but at the back, accusing or even backstabbing the same person. we are capable to put on not one or two, but countless number of masks, pretending to be someone you're not, pretending to like someone you dont. but people got to fucking realise that humans have feelings, and that you are not the only one pretending. it could be vice versa - two faced, two ways. let's faced it, everyone's a little bit two faced, or another, i'm guilty of that too. this world has taught us how to act, and be likeable. please, everyone's acting, even though people try to deny it. i hate writing about something like that, i rather post happy pictures and all on my blog, but i really need to get things off my chest even though it's been a while but the thought of it cringes me. i dont want to be rude, and i repeat i'm not pinpointing anyone. i really need to pen this down because this person really matters to me a lot. oh god, i hate this topic.

i dont exactly trust people easily, but if i do, i'll make sure i trust wholeheartedly. i expect to receive the same treatment, especially from people close to my heart, from people i always respected and cared for. i felt the need to clarify the matter and stuff, though it ended up in quite a bad note, at least i've voiced out. seems repaired but i dont exactly feel so. forgive and forget they say. i can forgive, but i dont really forget things that easily. maybe not soon, and i will eventually, but for now i'm trying so hard to cool the sting. you see, people can be sincere, trustworthy; and then selfish, narrow minded and judgemental the next second. how to fucking tell them apart, i'm still learning, yes even after twenty years. please, dont take it too far, hate it when people dont put themselves in other people's shoes when it comes to accusation. hello? nobody likes to be accused. nobody, and what's more over something that degrades you so much as a person. let's put it this way, in general, people like that always give judgement right away without thinking. think of you so badly, and think the worst out of you at the back of their mind, not remembering every pleasant things you had done, then judge you without any solid proof. do you even have the right to? is it even fair?

i hate it when people dont listen, dont make sense, and judge (no i meant accuse) someone from something you are not very knowledgeable of. never would i have expected that people close to me, would turn right back at me, and do nasty things to me by what, judging me over things that i did not do. what the fuck. i'm really tired of explaining myself. my conscience is crystal clear. think before you speak, before you hurt someone so bad, that this is going to be etched so deep in her head. this applies to everyone in every situation, not pinpointing anyone. why do people get preyed on when they are nice genuinely, you mean i cant be nice to people i love? i cant let their guards down? or do i have to go to acting class, and try to be a better actor? put on a more durable mask? sometimes i really dont know who i can trust wholeheartedly. just saying, people should weigh everything with fair judgement. or even better, just be intelligent.

well...... it's times like this when you really really appreaciate all the real people that you have in life right now.
i have sean, he's been really frank and real to me, and he did something that to me, was a big deal; he stood up for me, fought for me, protected me in everyway he could. this boy, so precious to me, i literally would not know what to do without him. he's the only person who trusted me all along, and never doubted me. he's probably the only person who will never ever doubt me. even after all the confrontation and drama, he grabbed and hugged me tight, and said, "dont worry, everything will be fine. i will always be here for you ok" what more can i ask for? i love you. thank you, thank you so much for trusting me.

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